I’ve been bringing it up a lot latey and I think it just means I think I’m ready. L and I ate at the food court yesterday for lunch, there was an adorable little boy sitting in a highchair just behind L. He kept staring at me and I started playing peek-a-boo with him, I had him giggling and rolling his head back laughing. I see people holding their babies and my heart just cries out, my friends have begun having children and I feel jealous. I’m on birth control but with every medication I’m supposed to take, I forget to take it some days. I told L yesterday I was forgetting intentionally, just teasing him and the look of panic on his face was a little upsetting. I mean, I understand that he feels like we’re not ready and in some ways I agree, but it kind of scares me to think that if I did get pregnant (intentionally or not,) he would not be immediately supportive. He’s great with kids, I think he’ll be an awesome father and I’m excited to see it. I do feel an overwhelming sense of urgency and I can’t imagine that I’m meant to ignore something like that. I really hope L gets the job in Virginia, it pays well and I think it will mean having a family soon.
Mother
I set my watch for daylight saving time but forgot to switch my phone over, which is also my alarm. At least I have plenty of time to get ready for work.
I messaged Heather this morning to say hello, the conversation turned toward our mom, as it usually does at some point:
Brandi: I haven’t talked to mom since she left me that voicemail.
Heather: Damn.
I texted her and asked if everything was ok… she said ‘yea! Why?’
Brandi: Figures.
Heather: And then I said ‘where are you staying?’… And she said ‘motel 8, how did you find out?’
Yeah, I know.
Brandi: ugh.
Heather: I told her I asked you how she was doing and you told me what happened.
Brandi: What did you tell her?
What did she say to that?
Heather: She said… ‘I don’t bother Brandi anymore. She’s got it made’ and I asked what she meant and she said ‘she married Lawrence for his money but I don’t want to talk about Brandi…’
Brandi: Oh, my God.
Are you serious?
Heather: Yeah, I know.
Brandi: That makes it easy for me not to help her.
That really hurts my feelings.
Heather: Yeah, I know. I don’t know why she says things like that. She’s just bitter Brandi. And she has no right to judge people. She says I’m stuck up- as far as I know, I’m not.
As far as most people are concerned, I’m not stuck up.
I’m a pretty nice person.
Brandi: I know but it’s like she gets everything she can from me and then when I’m exhausted she just shits on me.
You’re not; at all… you’re very caring.
She’s just vicious.
Heather: if I was stuck up, I wouldn’t talk to mom and help her…
Brandi: I agree.
I’m going to call her and tell her off.
Heather: Please don’t.
Please, please don’t.
Just stay calm and let it pass.
Brandi: I can’t do it… i can’t make you look like a snitch.
But I really want to tell her how it is now.
Heather: I know. Trust me… there have been several times where I’ve found something out and just wanted to call mom and tell her off.. I know that feeling.
Like when you told me she said I’m stuck up, or when you told me she tells tiff and Richie you’re a bitch, or when you told me she buys weed with her money when she can’t even pay her bills.
All of those things (plus many others) really piss me off.
I know she lies to me.
All the time.
Brandi: I’m done with her, I think I’m going to call AT&T and have her blocked.
Heather: I’ve confronted her about it (calmly) saying why did you lie about such and such. And she would either deny it or come up with an excuse… I’m just like, whatever.
Don’t do that.
Brandi: I’m serious; I’m tired of being some kind of toy to her.
And she does the same to you and all of us.
As long as we have something to give her, she stays in touch.
Heather: Well I’m not gonna block her. I love her and I still want to have a relationship with her. No matter the bad things.
Brandi: Heather, I tried. You know how much I used to resent her… and then I decided that she was my mom and that I should try to have a relationship with her.
But it seems like every time that happens I end up hurt.
Maybe you can handle it but I can’t.
Heather: Well that’s up to you. I think maybe you just need a break from her. But you shouldn’t block her out completely.
Brandi: Why not? She’s made it obvious she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore
Argh. She makes me so mad.
Heather: She’ll come around.
Brandi: Like a stray cat
Who needs that kind of abuse?
Body Says…
I had today off, it was nice to spend the time with L. He has a tendancy to let me sleep so he can get on the computer and fart around, so I slept until 3 o’clock today. I wouldn’t mind so much if I didn’t have a hard enough time falling asleep at night as it were. Now I have to figure out a way to make it to work in the morning when I’m not even tired now at 1030pm. I meant to get a manicure today, my fingernails are getting really long but they’re thin so they splinter pretty badly. On a Sunday, though, no one is open very late and I can never hop out of bed, shower and go; it’s just not in my nature.
I told L that I want to try to have kids today, he made jokes about it at first but then got serious and said that we’re not stable enough to have kids yet. I don’t think anyone is ever truly stable enough to have kids. I think that the best you can do is try to make sure you’re financially set and emotionally capable. I think we’ve got a little ways before we’re “financially set,” but we’re nowhere near having a hard time. I know that he gets out of the Army in January and things have the potential to get nasty and part of me says “Okay, you know he’s right, it probably is best to wait a year or so.” But the other part of me says “You’re almost 26! Go make babies, quick!” I think my body thinks it’s time and why would I want to argue with my body?
Perfume Flavored
I stayed up all night again, a lot of good those 10 hours of sleep did me. I lost track of time and started dying my hair, my web-based counselling session had me looking like a troll with too much hair gel. Oh, well… it’s not like I have to make a good impression on her. We talked about how I have a hard time making friends because of the expectations I feel are placed on a friendship. And it’s true, any new friend you make expects you to be the most awesome person they’ve ever met, at least at first. I avoid making friends with women, especially, because they are so… damn… needy. They want you pre=”you “>to be their new shopping pal, shoulder to cry on, entertainment and bathroom buddy. (I don’t do the, “let’s all go to the bathroom together,” thing.) Men might only expect you to give them sex and then when that wears off, they usually just expect you to not talk too much and be decent at at least one male activity; drinking, sports, cars, etc. I never was any good at making friends, someone might think I’m great but when they text message me to say “let’s go grab lunch,” they realize I’m nothing but a flake. I don’t respond to those messages because they are so HEAVY! I don’t understand how people can have 40 friends that they hang out with and call everyday… it’s too much! Then you have Susie who doesn’t like Elaine or Felicia who dated Gary, Michelle’s ex, and feels uncomfortable around her. And competition! Good God… ladies, really, no one is going to think any less of you if you retract your claws and be humane! Then there’s the “I’m fat” ordeal… I hate trying to boost someones ego, it makes any compliment I might ever want to give feel contrived. I’m so far beyond exhausted right now, just kind of ranting.
I sprayed perfume and accidently got a mouthful, smells great – tastes HORRIBLE! I guess I’ll go brush my teeth again and then try to take a nap.
Sleep aplenty
I got something like 10 hours of sleep today, it was wonderful! I even had the best wake up ever, sex! So, today was a pretty awesome day. No work, lots of sleep, sex, stromboli for dinner and then more sex. Now I just have to figure out what to do with myself for the next however many hours until I get tired. Who knows, maybe I’ll make today epic and run on the treadmill.
20 Minutes
I took 750mg of Vicodin before going to bed tonight, it did wonders for the twitching and discomfort in my legs and made me drowsy enough to fall asleep but I’m not hitting REM. After about 20 minutes of sleep, here I am pounding away at the keyboard. I was afraid to take my Ambien with the Vicodin, I didn’t ask about mixing the two and I couldn’t stop thinking I wouldn’t wake up if I took both.
I psychologist appointment on the 4th of November, finally. I also made a psychiatrist appointment for the 16th of December. I don’t know which route I’d like to take so I’ll try both and see which suits me. I feel good knowing I can finally talk to someone but I’m afraid I won’t be able to come up with the words that describe how I feel or what it is that bothers me. It’s like making a doctor’s appointment for an obscure pain in your left pinky toe and by the time you get there it doesn’t hurt anymore or you’ve gotten used to it. I hate trying to tell people what I think is wrong because I always feel like they’re skeptical of my description.
I had a panic attack before going to work today, the entire time I was in the shower I was vibrating with my pulse trying to control my body. L is getting better about being sympathetic and I think it goes a long way toward helping me push past the attack and do what I need to do. He brought me Starbucks (I hadn’t slept,) some candy and cigarettes – sometimes I can’t be thankful enough for how wonderful he can be.
I Have To Sleep!
These past few nights have been relentless, I’m asleep for no more than 20 minutes at a time! I tried to clear my head last night, take some deep breaths and zen my way in to some Z’s but it didn’t work. I couldn’t have got more than 2 hours of sleep and I’m so exhausted but I have to work in a few hours and if I tried to take a nap, I might not wake up in time. I thought about calling out from work but I’m in training and I need to be there. Of course, actually thinking about work makes me start to panic. God, I wish there were some magic, even if short-term, cure for this.
Rest In Fits
I could not stay asleep last night, I kept waking randomly – no sounds, no bad dreams, L wasn’t moving in bed. Then, oddly enough, his alarm clock went off this morning and I slept through it; I woke up after he’d been sitting there smoking a cigarette for a few minutes. He left the bedroom after kissing me goodbye and I fell right back asleep but woke up panicked because it was too dark in the room to see features but there was a silhouette standing the in the doorway of the bedroom. He’d forgotten something and came back to get it but in my exhaustion I didn’t recognize him and called out for him. It was a very scary moment and I couldn’t fall back asleep after he finally did leave, so I’ve been up since 5 this morning. I haven’t taken my Ambien in a while but I think tonight I will.
Loving “L”
For most of the morning I closed myself off from my husband. I didn’t want to talk to him or be talked to, nothing in particular was wrong, I just felt like being distant. Last night I asked him if we could go to Six Flags, I haven’t been to an amusement park in a while and I got my hopes up enough to ask him. He told me no and I pouted like a little baby for the rest of the night, it’s possible that my mood toward him this morning was carried over from the night before but I didn’t feel like I was holding on to it that strongly.
L (husband,) doesn’t have the same taste for adventure that I do. I’d much rather get in the car and just drive some place randomly than sit on the couch and watch TV. I miss the spontaneous trips I’m prone to taking. I miss throwing caution to the wind and spending money I shouldn’t spend on something I know will bring me joy. I miss instant-gratification. I love L very much but he doesn’t share my passion for most things. It’s odd how someone so drastically different from myself holds so much attraction and sad how I feel like I’m letting a little piece of me die (with a fight!) for that attraction. I like taking risks, trying new things, seeing different places and being generally chaotic. But I also like the security he offers, the comfort I feel when he’s around, being anywhere as long as it’s with him and the general calm he counterbalances me with. Loving L is so hard and so easy.
When “Help” Doesn’t Help
My mom just left, she showed up knocking on my door after she called and I didn’t answer. She said she worries about me and implies that I would commit suicide, then starts cleaning my house. She does my dishes, sweeps my floor and picks up my living room, all the while telling me that she doesn’t want my husband to regret marrying me. She tries to get me to shower and leave the house but I decline and she tells me she thinks it would be good for me. I can’t figure out a way to explain to her that I have to want to leave the house, that showing up and saying “Let’s go,” only makes me nervous. She finally said she’d leave but asked me for the rest of the pack of cigarettes she’d been mooching from since she showed up, I told her no but she asked again. So I told her yes. I appreciate that she wants to “help,” but I didn’t want help today. I needed to clean my house myself, I needed something to do other than sit around and worry. She causes me more stress than she relieves - twice in two days she’s made me think on whether I’m a burden to my husband.
